This\nweek I had an interview with SOEKlig<\/em>\n[Search light \u2013 by Blackhole Productions] for their mini-documentary series on\ncurrent affairs that affects South Africans. The camera and the questions mainly focused on\nmy research re. embodiment (making meaning from the body) and then towards the\nend, on my thoughts re. the recent judgement of the high court against the\nDutch Reformed Church vs. Laurie Gaum and others and how it affects me\npersonally\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n To\nanswer this, I had to revisit emotions deeply felt in my body years ago ~ the\nsadness of not being able to be ordained in the church as a person who is also\ngay; the confusion and havoc of relationships breaking apart; struggling to\nfind a new career; the joy and absolute relief when I read the words of James\nNelson for the first time \u2013 \u201csimply\naccept the fact that you are accepted as a sexual person. If that happens to\nyou, you experience grace<\/em>.\u201d Little did I know then what these words would\nset in motion \u2013 searching, loving, travelling, studying – culminating two\ndecades later in intensive interdisciplinary research on the body, narrative\ntherapy, theology and meaning-making. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But\nI\u2019ve always carried along a deep sense of loss. I don\u2019t know if there\u2019s a\npolite way to put this Afrikaans lay expression into English \u2013 a mother with a\nwooden teat [soos \u2018n moeder met \u2018n\nhouttiet<\/em>] \u2013 to have a mother that does not provide any nourishment or\nintimacy. So listening to the news of the high court victory against the Dutch\nReformed Church brought me no relief, no yearning to return. Too much time has\npassed, too much turmoil. I\u2019m happy for a new generation of ministers who are\ngay and in relationships, and I\u2019m especially encouraged that the court touched\nupon the dilemma of freedom of religion and protecting the rights of\nmarginalised communities \u2013 but no. No return. I\u2019ve made too much new meaning at\ntoo high a cost with this body I have and this body I am. <\/p>\n\n\n\n